Ramblings.

Sometimes I think that if I let myself get bogged down by all of the horrible things in the world, I would literally go insane. There are huge problems out there- poverty, homelessness, child abuse, animal abuse, murder, gangs- and then there are the problems sitting right on my kitchen counter, in my bedroom, in my heart. Things that, if I let myself think about too much, I start to break down.

Parts of me are broken.

The small things are small, but when they add up, they seem overwhelming. I've gone through a lot of loss and a lot of heartache. Who hasn't? It seems selfish to let myself feel sad because of the things I've gone through. I almost feel guilty about it. Yesterday I got some surprising news, and it just stopped me cold. It isn't a tragedy and it isn't even horrible, but to me it's like another little crack in my already shaky foundation.

There are times when I have to stop myself before I slip away. Away into my self-pity and guilt and general unhappiness. Because I AM a happy person. But there are things that have been done to me and things I've done to myself, little secrets I keep deep down, that sometimes try and creep up and surprise me. And sometimes they catch me off guard, and momentarily, I let them win.

But the thing is, God never leaves me. Sometimes I just have to allow myself to ask Him to take it all away, and allow myself to feel the peace that was always there, but that I didn't let myself see.

In the grand scheme of things, I feel almost whiny to even be posting this. There are things in the world, huge things, TRAGEDIES that I feel like I should spend my energy thinking about. How to get every orphan into a loving home. How to make sure the people in my sponsor child's family aren't starving. How to make sure my students aren't leaving school hungry and coming to school hungrier.

Sometimes it seems like too, too much. But I know that God never gives out more than we can handle, and that He has gone before us and knows the road we will take. Sometimes that just has to be enough.

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On a much lighter and HAPPIER note, Carson has a family!!!! I am so, so happy and thankful and cried tears of absolute joy when I read the news. I can't wait to share more! Congratulations, Carson! <3